i loved you with all of me.  i gave you my loyalty, my whole heart, my soul, my time, my youth, my innermost thoughts...gave you access to places in my mind nobody has ever reached...

i lied for you, countless times, so that people won't think any less of you, even though i was hurting like hell.

i traded my ideals , my principles, things i stood up for, to be with you

i fought for you, tooth and nail, and with so much tears...i fought for you like crazy...stood up against everybody...stood up against the family who loved me, against my friends who knew better...i fought till the very last for you....only to welcome the chasms of defeat....which until this very day, hovers like a shadow, never really making me forget

and now you do this to me...you black mail me emotionally...you don't want to let go...you don't want to give me the peace i deserve so much....

just let me go, just let me go, just let me go, just let me go......

i still love you...i don't think i will ever stop doing so...so now you know....and i hope that's enough for you

and if you really love me as you say so, then just let me go....

i would like to think that i am not...but it is slowly creeping up on me... and i am beginning to realize that yes, it might have caught up with me already and that i am truly, truly jaded...well, aside from the emptiness that i endlessly feel nowadays, that is.

i guess we come to a point in our lives when we feel that we've given everything we ever had and there's nothing left there.

and even a feeble attempt at redemption doesn't seem to work.

and it's sad this way...because we are young...because we have a very bright future ahead of us, and because we are basically good people, who play by the rules and who always try to be fair....

we are empowered women... women who worked hard to get to where we are now...

and it's just so sad that these things happen...

we grow up, with all these grand ideals, all these majestic imaginings, and suddenly we wake up to what?  the inside-twisting reality that, well, it is like that, only as far as imagination can take you....

it isn't like that in real life. not at all...

because in real life...you give  a lot, you love  a lot, and you lose a lot...and you don't really deserve that.

like what happened to me....i gave my heart, my whole heart, and my soul, for whatever it's worth, i gave my soul...

and i lost it just like that....and there doesn't seem to be any chance to get them all back...my heart, and my soul, at least not in the near future...

and i just feel so empty...

although i am happy in all other aspects of my life...

but  this void...this gaping, endless, fathomless void....it just refuses to not be noticed

i really don't want anything anymore...from life that is...

BUT...the very big BUT.....

but i need my heart back, and my soul...no matter how torn apart they might be, or broken or shattered or tattered... i need my heart and my soul back.

empty...as the can of a wizened old beggar who sits by the way side, every single day...waiting, waiting for that morsel of compassion that comes in the form of a few, crooked, old coins..

empty, as the words of a chronic habitual liar who can never figure out which is real and which is not

empty, as the shore side in an out of way place somewhere in the provinces where people have lost their penchant for sea going because the sea has been with them all their lives

empty, as the inkwell that sits by the table of a disillusioned poet, who has given up on everything for lack of inspiration..

empty as i can possibly be...specially after, when all soul has gone, all zest for life has been taken away, never seeming to have even the faintest glimmer of coming back.

" I gave my heart out a long time ago, and I never really got it back." - Reese Witherspoon as Melanie in Sweet Home Alabama.

I guess it happens when you have loved someone for so long. 

Our break up was amicable, and falling out of love was not the reason for it.

And in quiet moments, moments like these when I get to do a lot of pondering, that's when it hits me. 

nobody would ever know, just us charlie.  about what went on and how we felt, and how crazy it was, or how good it was, or how surreal, and how happy we were, and plain just how unbelievable it was.  Something to tell the grand kids about, as you always said Charlie.

What's next for us? do we have september? or october of november or maybe even december? or 2008 is it? or probably just new york, as we've always talked about, 2010 or 2011 or even 2012?

nobody would ever know how i felt Charlie, just me, no matter how I tried to tell the few who cared to listen, or the few i dared tell about us.  nobody but me.

No witness to the drama nights when tears fell, more out of stupor.  No witness to the tenderness of those moments which seem like a far-away dreams.   No witness to the absolute beauty of it all.  Absolutely a hidden world.

And if I weep Charlie? Who will bear it with me?

Not you.  In your far-fetched world. Not you, with your seemingly unchangeable life.

And I don't even deserve this Charlie.  And you don't want to hear that I don't.  You're cruel that way.

But will there ever be anyone else like you?  Probably not.  I'm hoping for the better.  But you're a tough nut to top.  As you've said yourself about me.  Eversince.

Why don't you admit it Charlie?  That we are what we are.  We are what we both did not expect.  We bring the fireworks and pretty much all the works.  We are what we are.  You and I can not deny that.

 So what's next?  Will you let me rest in peace?  At least for the months to come, when I badly need it?

Charlie........no matter how I try, I think about you still, Charlie.  Do you think about me too?

Too much? What did it mean to you when you told me, 'too much?'

No matter if it's too late, show me Charlie, show me the agony was well worth it.

Tell me straight.  Just tell me and I'll listen.

DRIVEN.  That's what sets me apart.  I might be really hurting and confused, and feeling really stupid about the decisions i've recently made in my life, but I never lose focus.

I might be really bleeding inside, and feeling like hell, but I never throw my self worth away.

I might get sidetracked but my dreams are always within reach, just waiting for me to grab it and never let it ever go.

I might be feeling sorry for some of the things I did, but i never succumb to self-pity or dwell in the past.  Every bit of experience, be it good or bad, ugly or beautiful was all well worth every emotion i've ever invested on it, or allowed myself to feel.

i might think less about myself for some reason or another, but i know i can be better precisely because i felt less about me.

i might be maimed in a way, but it has allowed me more time to grow the wings that will take me to further heights than i ever imagine i could reach.

i might have slid a little but lower into damnation, but it makes my soul all the more worth saving.

i might have given more than i should, but i got better things in return.

i am happy this way.  maybe a little bit lonely and alone and confused and misunderstood, and feeling a little bit of self-disdain every now and then, but nevertheless happy.

happy in a way that it keeps me going, keeps me wanting to achieve more, keeps me precisely the way that i am now.  Happiness keeps me driven.  And that's what sets me apart.

a toast, to better things. to happiness, and good health.  to a life of comfort and grace.  to real, albeit few, friendships.  to opportunities that will knock like crazy. to success, and even a feel of love.  maybe not love itself, but something almost akin to it.  to new acquaintances and renewal of old ones.  to diplomacy and regal bearing. to simplicity in the midst of splendor and all my grandiose illusions about life. to truthfulness to myself and those around me.  to perseverance and kindness.  to understanding, and patience, and bearing it all, reasonably.

a toast to a freer view of life and things. a broader perspective, an accommodating mind.  lesser sad moments, lesser pitiful longings. lesser evil, more good.

devotion to the Divine and all that it entails.  a toast to my God, for everything, for all things that has happened.  A toast to pious dedication.

A toast to family. A prayer for understanding. A prayer for love and forgiveness.

A toast  to life itself, for happening to me in such a good way.

And finally, A toast to me, for writing this, and actually, really, truly meaning and feeling it.

i cried over Brokeback Mountain.  Such an intense relationship. wow! I've wanted to watch it for such a long time and when I finally got to watch it, I almost missed dinner.